Friday, January 02, 2009

The Transporter 3

My wife and I managed to get out to see a movie for the first time in two years. I let her pick the movie and she chose The Transporter 3. 


Here is her decision-making process.

1. Must see an action movie, because they require the least amount of thinking.
2. Choose a sequel if possible.
2. Ask 14 year old son if this movie is any good.

As you can see, this process will lead to lots of bad movie choices and The Transporter 3 was no exception. It had a bad plot, bad writing, bad acting, and even bad casting.

Bad Plot: The basic plot is that a U.S. company wants to ship toxic waste to the Ukraine for dumping, but the minister of the environment there won't let them, so the company hires the Bad Guy to kindap the minister's daughter until he signs the contracts that would allow them to dump their toxic waste. Our transporter is forced to be the guy moving the daughter around Europe.

Hmmm, some problems here. Contracts signed under duress would be easy to nullify once you got your daughter back. Besides, ministers of the environment in the Ukraine probably welcome toxic waste dumping, and maybe a bribe would work better than kidnapping the guy's kid?

Bad Casting/Writing/Acting: The chick in the flick is an absolutely ugly red-head - Carrot Top's female equivalent. She also cannot act and her lines sucked, too. Apparently Luc Besson found her on the street. I believe that.

Look, I can live with some impossible stunts like driving between two semi trucks with your car on the side or inflating some duffel bags from your car tires to make the whole car float. (That seems to be against physics but whatever.)

But casting the eye-candy equivalent of Taiwanese dried salty plums as the female lead forces me to hate the movie. Meanwhile the male lead, who does his best to keep the film afloat, is forced to strip down TWICE in the movie.

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE EVER.

4 comments:

P.I.M.P said...

Reminds me of the time I went to see a movie quite similar. Same plot I think, same lead actor but the female in the film was Shu Qi. (It's really worth googling Shu Qi if you don't know who she is) The name of the movie escapes me but I do recall not wanting to go to a movie for some time afterwards.

mr. bean said...

Took Helena to see Australia in the Gold Class set-up at Tiger City last nite. Well done WW II era flick. Some great acting by a little Aboriginal kid and some sweet cinematography. Not all romance as there was a real evil cattle baron in the mix. Worth seeing on "a date". Your gal will swoon when Hugh Jackman has his shirt off. Oh yeah, and unlike in Transporter, the redhead in the movie is pretty.

Red A said...

PIMP, that was The Transporter 2, I think.

Anonymous said...

Actually it was Transporter. Transporter 2 had models turned actresses Amber Valletta and Kate Nauta in it.