Thursday, August 31, 2006


Ok lets see , the cowgirls acquire T dot O and the football world is in a frenzy , COWGIRLS!!! COWGIRLS!!!! Blending that pompous arrogant kevlaresque bastard with the Tuna is a recipe for disaster, good luck to you Cowgirls... Now what do the eagles go and do , they trade for a receiver who appreciates the game and the TEAM concept who happened to get nearly 1000 yards and 7 TD's last season!! GOOD RIDDANCE AMOEBA ! GREETINGS CATALYST FOR SUCCESS ! EAGLES FLYING HIGH BABY!!!!!!!!! Pimp sorry i missed you in Ontario , was in North Bay, somethings i had to take care of **cough cough meeting son for first time cough**8 GO EAGLES YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taipei Zoo Hot as Hell

I can't find where it says on the Taipei Zoo website where it says the Education Center and most concession stands and all souvenir shops are closed on Mondays... The nocturnal animal house was open but most of the animals were sleeping. Well, not really but yes a lot of them were... that alone was the sole source of AC...

The people we talked to about it were really nice but seemed surprised that we didn't know this as we stumbled onward through the heat... parched and dehydrated... "...Your friends really should tell you these things..." Yes, yes they should ...Kevlar was reduced to scoping it out in just his loincloth for god's sake...the humanity!!

The kids were sleeping by 2...

Other than that everything was great.

A dictionary of slang and euphemism

Check on the second entry "Aarons rod". I have a feeling I'm the last one to know where his nick name came from. This book won't make it to my classroom, maybe J-hole could use it for his computer classes.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Went to the zoo.

Teach: Ok. Can anyone tell me what colour is a zebra?
Junior1 student.: Hey teacher a Z-bra is red, yellow, black or purple.
Teacher: No, I think a zebra is black and white.
Junior 1 student: No teacher they come in many colours
Teacher: I saw a zebra at the Taipei Zoo and zebras are black and white.
Junior 1 student: I saw Z-bras at Easy Shop and they come in many colors.
Teacher: Go stand at the back of the class!
Junior 1 student: Ok I will stand at the back. Before I go could you tell me why you are wearing a faggy queer T-shirt.
Teacher: My friend Rye gave it to me.
Junior 1 student: Is your friend queer?
Teacher: No. Now go piss cutting-er somewhere else!

Can't find someone??

This little device can be placed in a car, scooter or bookbag. The owner can call the Minibond company to locate the device. web site or just call 0800221195
I don't have one, but I could think some people out there might like one.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Sports and them dang Chinese

Finally, a sporting event that I want to watch and am able to watch live - the World Basketball Championship. We are able to watch some MLB, but that is my number 3 sport and in Taiwan you mostly get Yankees games being shown three times in a row or the Red Sox. Slim pickins. So, let me share with you what I have gleaned from the games I've seen.

  1. ESPN's Gregg Easterbrook rightly complains about the NBA's acceptance of traveling as part of the game, so he'd better not watch any of the WBC games or he'll have an aneurysm. To the Europeans and China, taking those extra steps is not just okay, it's mandatory. Start with a Flintstone foot shuffle, two of what Easterbrook calls "the hop through", alternate feet and pivot 10 feet, and then you may choose to shoot or add some more steps for style points.
  2. Yao Ming sucks. He's a baby. So, he averaged in the 20's in the first round. They won two games and one of those was against Senegal. In the round that counted, he scored 10 and his team got routed by Greece. Sofoklis Schortsanitis (scrutinize that name carefully), 9 inches shorter than Yao, showed him how to take it to the hoop. He also scored 10, but in half the time (oh, do look at his picture). Against the U.S., he chased the ref to half court to complain about his bulldozing of Battier. Against Greece, he threw an elbow at their center (not Schortsanitis) after a gimme dunk. He does not know how to face up to the bucket in the paint. His best move is to kick it back out and let Yi Jian-lian score.
  3. Number 14 for China, Z.Z. Wang, won't make any headlines as a b-baller, but the name on his jersey definitely could as the name for a Taiwanese Tai Ke band.
  4. The Greeks have the best passing I've seen so far.
  5. The Italians take dives in basketball, too. You know the soccer move where another player enters into your sphere of influence and you flail about and moan as if you just stepped on an anti-personnel device...well, I saw the Italians do it 3 times against Lithuania.
  6. I would pay a lot of money to see a Brit team play basketball. I can't imagine the first thing as to how it would look, but it would definitely be hilarious.


Not quite professional level athletics, but professional level bitching

At the International Children's Games in Bangkok this last week, Chinese athletes and officials used force to take the R.O.C. flag away from Taiwanese medalists who had it draped over their shoulders at the medal ceremony. I guess that the Chinese Spiritual Civilization Steering Committee needs to add a couple more groups to their list. Maybe the Chinese should take a look at the ICG's home page before they attack more teenagers.

How not to make a good impression in Australia

Say yes to flight in Decatholon. Manly say you can handle anything. Fly around with father of friend for two hours. Before landing request some tricks. After the Barrel Roll and the big loop, say that was nothing. After the simultaneous Barrel Roll and loop-de-loop, land on your friend's property and relocate your breakfast on the yard. Good Times.

Not a Blue Light Special

Well, I made my first trip inside a WalMart in some ten years today (personal boycott temporarily suspended due to a desperate quest to find a reasonably priced desk lamp). Besides the overwhelming amount of junk available and the largely overweight customers (average weight 260lb/male), one thing struck me as unreal.

Price for a coke from the pop machine at WalMart: 50cents
Price for a coke from the pop machine at KMart: 60 cents

Unbelievable. Not only can mom and pop shops not compete against the evil that is WalMart, large established companies can't even equal (much less beat) them on a can of soda. Incredible. This information alone sent me back to the Goodwill and secondhand shops to find my lamp. The way I figure it, I just used WalMart for their AC and added extra wear and tear on their parking lot. I am sure I cost them .000000001 of one cent. Of course, the free advertisment I just gave them in Coca Cola advertising will probably counterbalance even my most minisicule of victories.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Man Sits on Tent Peg



Saturday, August 26, 2006

Costco again

I know that I have been 0-for-ever in my previous Costco reports, but I'm betting the farm on this one. Situated on Da Dun South road between Wen Hsin 3rd and 5th streets is the location for the Taichung Costco. What makes me so sure this time? I've upgraded my sources. My wife teaches the 11 year old son of the personal secretary to mayor Jason Hu. She spoke to him (the secretary) last night and he swore up and down it's a done deal. He even told her the lot number. Ground will be broke next year and it will be completed within two. For those not too familiar with the streets, the site is off of Wen Hsin road about 5 blocks south of Wu Chuan West road. It's not far from Tony Chen's language school for those unfortunate enough to know. There's a big Buddhist temple behind it (I thought it was an apartment building). So, why is this important? Because Carrefour sucks.

In 2005 Carrefour and Tesco swapped some money and stores. Tesco got Carrefour's stores in Slovakia and the Czech Republic, while Carrefour got Tesco's stores in Taiwan. So, what's wrong with Carrefour? They were the first store that I had been to in Taiwan that forced me to visit every floor of their store before I could get to the floor that I wanted. When living in Changhua, I entered at ground level, went up one floor and then descended two to reach the supermarket, even though there were stairs leading directly to the basement supermarket. We were not admitted and forced to make our trek. The one in Taichung is not as bad as that and maybe the one in Changhua has changed, but that is still supreme suckage.

Let's move on to selection. Initially, Carrefour provided a good selection of their own branded products such as green beans, mushrooms, good red wine vinegar, soups other than cream of corn and other French stuff that I'm sure was probably pretty good to chow down on. So, what have we now? None of that. Carrefour simply has most of what every other store has, but all under one roof. You would think that at least they would preserve their cheesy heritage. You would be wrong. Tesco slaughters them in selections of cheese. Even the Taiwanese supermarket, Sinon (damn the usurpers) has a better cheese selection. Maybe you say that Carrefour must adapt its product lines to the Taiwanese market. Yes, they probably do but they don't have to replicate them 100%. Taiwanese are adventurous eaters. They are willing to try new foods. Hell, they demand it. Ten years ago you wouldn't have been able to find half the things that now stock local supermarkets. I just don't buy the line that one local restaurant owner, Fatty, of Fatty's, told me - Squid ink pasta? Never! They would never touch it. You have to change it for them. Crap, hooey, bunkum, malarkey. So, Brits, say goodbye to your baked beans and all the English curry and cheer for Costco.


Well now i just feel terrible!!!!! Mind you it was a bikini , not nudity!!!!! I suppose the only thing I can do is to show the kids my mom getting into her truck to head back home... Please kids NOTHING IS HOW IT SEEMS!!!!!!!!! Day and Night really...

Friday, August 25, 2006


another installment of HOTW. Tried to find a pic of Frenchie's mom, but she keeps them all.

48 seventh graders say, "Thank you, Frenchie!"

In Taiwan, the start of the fall school semester begins next week for most schools. However, most junior and senior high school students are already in school, as they are encouraged to attend a month-long summer session, or summer camp, as my school calls it. Truthfully, it is more like a camp than school. Students don't receive grades, go one trips to Sun Moon Lake and prepare skits and acts for the opening ceremonies. So, with a shortened summer vacation, students and teachers both enjoy a casual month of gradually preparing ourselves for actually having to work.

I teach both junior and senior high school students. Both are enjoyable, but it's seeing the newly arrived 7th graders that tickles me the most. A couple are bigger and taller than I am, and some could fit in my pocket. Some look like Charles Schulz drew them, and some look like perfectly proportioned 3-foot tall adults. Our junior high classrooms all have a PC that is connected to a projector that displays whatever is on the computer monitor onto a large screen at the front of the classroom.

Today, we were cruising around the Internet, visiting different kinds of sites, exploring their functions and learning how to navigate them in English. We had finished with music, news, community and photo sharing sites and were moving on to blogs. Well, I thought. Why not use Ni Howdy? We could even do a short post as a class. Good idea, right? Well, I pressed enter and stood up to get ready to point out the different features on a blog. The screen was behind me to my left and I was looking at some notes when the little people let out a great hullabaloo. I wasted time looking among the students thinking someone puked on another student again and then saw them pointing to the screen. There was Frenchie's "mother" smiling pleasantly at us all. Now, Frenchie, I know I have often commented on how late Taiwanese learn to socialize, but I'm not sure this was what I had envisioned. You definitely made their last day of class, but what am I going to do for a follow-up - and not get fired? A little help here.

Great to the see the Family again but....

This past weekend my family and I went to Wasaga Beach just outside of Toronto , a good time was had by all but hanging out with mom was a tad unsettling , needless to say we fought for sharing her bedroom! Is that wrong???/

Thursday, August 24, 2006


This beautifully designed hand carved octoganal folding poker table is currently residing in a nook in a house that is unable to host. Due to lack of playing time it has demanded to be traded to another abode. GM Kevlar swapped it for a cigarette weeks upon weeks ago but the buyer, DISCO DAVE, has yet to claim it. THAT SMOKE IS WELL LODGED AND VAPORIZED. I had never seen a table pout before but let me tell you, it's a sorry sight to behold. "DISCO DAVE GOT SUCH A SWEET DEAL I CAN'T BELIEVE HE HASN'T PICKED ME UP YET. I FEEL SO UNWANTED." That' a direct quote by the way. Rumours are swirling that D-Wayne Mendoza is looking to claim it on waivers. The poker table is reportedly geared up at the chance to be played upon on the South Side of Soho...

I suggested to Kevlar we give DAVE a week to claim his prize but Kevlar is so HARD LINE this week he said, "No, 24 hours." Cold and cruel.

The fate of the unclaimed poker table is yet to be decided but I'm leaning towards a couple of options. I thought it might be kinda funny if we torched on the street on the next auspicious burning day. Hey, it's GHOST MONTH anyway right? We'll TAI KE it up...

The GM has said he will entertain other suggestions or offers 24 hours from the time of this post...

Bike with display stand

This bike has a stand that resembles a sheet music stand. It is light as a feather and has 36 or 27 gears. The owner spent a fortune to keep the wheels off the ground, but only 200 nt for the chain to lock it up. For the cash this baby cost I would think the owner would park it in a nice secure airconditioned office.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Private Ryan saved

Here is a picture of Sgt.Rye. Dispensing orders and taking commands from the Eight Fairy centre. He is really becoming difficult to work with. His mis-mash of instructions seem to only add to the confussion. He is promoting new books, adult classes, a bushiban, part-time staff, more computers in the office, girls high school uniforms for the female teachers, mops made of spaghetti, and a ONE bin re-cycles all program.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Buy Yourself a Beer

Blogging is hard work, but thanks to the tireless effort of our contributors (Captain Beer excepted) we are getting something like 48 views per day. Subtract ourselves from that total and then charge the remaining viewers NT$ 1.0 a pop, and we could be making enough mad internet money to buy ourselves a cold Busch from 7-11. EVERY DAY.

Younger siblings "more amusing"

We laugh with: J-Hole, Bread, Frenchie

We laugh at: Rye, Kevlar, Red A

We scratch our head at: Captain Beer, D-Wayne, PIMP


Sunday, August 20, 2006

Have child need to blend

My wife told me not to feed my kid bananas. Well if that is going to be the case, then I am going to drink them: from a pitcher with a blender and some ice and of course a little rum.

I wonder if I will be late for work tomorrow.. I might also try and watch Basic Instinct II in one sitting.

Love of water pressure

My local used airconditioner people called this guy. He came to my house where we discussed two options: A) Installing a pump on the roof to improve my hot and cold water pressure. Down side being it cost more and would take several hours.
B) installing the pump on the hot water heater. Upside Takes less than an hour and is cheaper.

I went with option B. My problem was that my hot water would shift from too hot to no hot water. My cold water pressure was tolerable.

Problem solved.
I also learned that because I am on the top floor I have the lowest pressure. First floor apartments should have excellent water pressure because of gravity drawing the water from the roof.

The guy who installed it prefers to speak Taiwanese.. but his service was great and the price was fair. From the time I contacted him until it was all done was about two and a half hours. This included me fumbling for language and him having to go to the store to buy the wires, pipes and pump. Why I didn't do this years ago... Only reason I can think of was that I was hungover.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Woo Hoo, Y'all!

J-Hole at FuBar. Told ya not to drink the tequila!

Rules??? Visa's?? Oh Athelete!!

Now im not one to gripe and moan.. Ok, yes i am but lets evaluate this guy , decides to split on his team in russia , and somehow gets into Canada and the US now with no visa what so ever... Now for the hundred of thousands americans that bitch about immigrants in their country who work harder than them, have at him ... AHHHHHHH wait he is important , he is an athelete ... Why not let the ones who work and respect the country stay , and kick the dude who can skate out??

Just so you know...

I'm putting this one up as a reference. It's not exactly new news if you visit Tealit on a regular basis as these revisions date to last May...

On a tip from the Commander, there are some changes to the labour laws concerning foreign teachers working the bushiban circuit.

Did you know the max amount of hours you can legally work is 32? The minimum amount of hours you can work and still get an ARC is 14...If you get a second job, it must be for at least 6 hours per week...You can work for a maximum of 4 employers at a min of 6 hrs. per week ...If you're working for 2 employers providing you with at least 14 hours per week, either can give you your ARC...If you leave your job, you have 14 days to find a new ARC sponsor...And on and on and on....

Here it is in all it's glory...

I'm sure teachers and employers alike will be lining up to follow these new regs just like drunk drivers always take cabs and teachers' salaries are always declared in full...

Teacher Looking for Job

Can anyone help this guy out? He's got a lot of experience with kids.

Check out his resume on

According to his resume, he's actually visited Taipei before, and probably has a little Chinese under his belt.

He wouldn't be able to work right away, as he has some legal issues to take care of, though.

p.s. Does anyone get the pun, and if so, is it beyond the pale?

Betel Nut Girls Taiwan

from Big Nose Productions a short preview for a documentary they did on bin lang culture. Damn, I haven't had a chew in a long time...

Les Arthur's Comic World Taiwan, last weekend in Taipei...

You'll probably recognize some of the characters from TV or 7-11 ads or your kids' stickers, pencils and notebooks and such...

Flintstones smoking Winstons

Saw this on another blog.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Yep, this is Taiwan

Yankees pitcher, Wang Chien-Ming (王建民), has stopped giving interviews to theTaiwanese media for the time being because of their hounding of his parents. Reporters moan that he is abusing freedom of the press.

Well maybe they won't stand up for their own country, but put some oil around some rocks in the ocean with all kinds of yummy, edible sea-things and they'll have their headbands on, chanting a most uninspiring protest chant, 抗議 (literally, protest) faster than Air Supply can sell out the Taipei Dome. Several Taiwanese activists went to a group of disputed islands, the Diaoyutais, to assert claims of sovereignty for Taiwan / China / Greater China? Uh, well...just NOT Japan! Armed with a strong sense of country but not much sense, the warriors (rocks they brought along), lost the naval contest with the Japanese coast guard (guns, rifles, exploding things).

Take time to answer some questions from the Taiwan driver's license test.
【True and False Questions】
2.Respecting traffic laws and orders is just good driving and has no connection with driving morals.
8.To avoid dust, the car behind overtakes me. I also hate dust, so I overtake the car in front.
10.When starting to drive, changing gears, turning and braking, the driver should pay attention to the passenger's safety and comfort.
14.I have driven for many years and have good driving skill. Therefore, when I'm driving, I often joke and sing. This shows my driving skill and will not affect the safety.
17.If a driver has no driving moral, it is a misfortune for him and others.
18.If I'm taking the old, pregnant or handicapped passengers, I should increase the charge
【Multiple Choices】
2. At night, when behind another car, you should(1)use lower beam(2)use upper beam(3)not use light
10.The driver obey the law because(1)he fears punishment(2)of responsibility, honor, and for personal and other people's safety(3)he is under surveillance
15. If drivers wish to uphold national honor, promote social state ability and family happiness, they should(1)have driving morals and obey the law(2)have good driving skill(3)not drink or smoke
17.The driver's clothes and appearance should(1)have no limits(2)be clean and dignified(3)are not important
19.At the intersection, if you see an amber light after crossing the pedestrian crossing, you should(1)stop(2)reverse to be hide the pedestrian crossing(3)continue forward
320.When the blood sprays out continuously, that will be the bleeding of (1) vein. (2) capillary. (3) artery
321.If a car is burning in car accident, the injurer is easily to get (1) shock. (2) choke. (3) emesis

Kai-wen ze me le?

Thursday, August 17, 2006

J-Hole's Pick of the Week

just for a change, thought i would let our esteemed leader and chief beer drinker pick the HOTW.

This means you Captain Beer

Taichung contributors - we will schedule a time when we can all get together and discuss all relevant issues, i.e., whatever-the-hell-I-want or anything that anyone can out-shout me about. The end of the month suits me, as it should you.

Monday, August 14, 2006

I drank beer.. post failing

Saturday afternoon it was hot... So I had a delicious cold beer with my friend A-rod.
He paid for the beer and proceeded to do all the talking. "But...Well..Um." were all the words I got in. It was great admiring the pedestrian traffic and listening to the chat. 10 minutes and then he had to go. Left me with the feeling you were watching something interesting on the Discovery channel and then the AC quit.
Perfect timing that guy is a genius. If I were in N.America I'd of had to get a sitter, a taxi, and find a bar... blah blah blah
A-rod visits, provides beverages, topics of conversation, and chuckles. I think he should be on a city bus, with loud speakers, handing out beer and running for some political party. Chen Shuiban is on his way out..?
Getting a call from Mr.A is good.

If someone calls you late in the evening and they are looking for someone else.. Can I tell the caller "You have the wrong number. The guy you are looking for doesn't live here."

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Taiwan: a land of forbidden pleasures

"Back in the day" as some people say, Taiwan was a place where you could purchase products not allowed or at least not politically accepted in the USA:

Cuban Cigars
South African Beer (This was during sanctions)
Jacket made in Vietnam (which is the place for producing winter clothing, apparently)

In this spirit, I picked up some booze tonight: some wine from the Golan Heights Winery.

Is it just me or is it not kosher to be buying wine produced on occupied Arab lands?

Saturday, August 12, 2006

sports guy bill simmons weighs in

How to make sports better for everyone.

I'm with him on numbers 6 and 19. And 25. I'd watch 25.

The Beer Factory

Big John delicately sips his beer

Last Sunday, a few of the Soho St. degenerates (and DeShea!) went to the Taiwan Beer Brewery, purely for educational purposes, of course. We met on the street, and then made our way to AJ's for a nutritious breakfast. It was a glorious, sunny day, and the Commander was nice enough to take us on a lengthy tour of old Taiwan before arriving at our destination. It's a large room, almost warehouse like, air conditioned, with super friendly staff, and pleasant clientele. They have various informative displays, as well as a video all about Taiwan Beer. Or so I am told, cuz they also have beer! Ice cold, and only 50 NT a glass. Tables and chairs made from kegs, which give it an informal feel and outside is a keg fountain. Many locals frequent the place for the friendly atmosphere. Foreigners frequent because they have ice cold beer, and only 50 NT a glass! Here are some pics of the outing. We were asked to leave after Sgt. Shandy got a little too, uh, friendly with the kegs. All in all, it was a great day

Only $50NT aglass

Lance really loves his beer.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hey Hey

the highlight of your week...

even tho i know last week was impossible to top. I'm sure Frenchie hasn't left his computer since then...sitting, drooling, eating cheesies.

What A Country!!

I know Texans are dirt poor...

but I didn't know they were starving to the point of looting an overturned truck carrying penguins.

Impoverished residents of Harlingen, Texas loot an overturned truck carrying penguins. The Texas Rangers later retrieved most of the stolen penguins, but at least 4 had already been barbecued.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Pornolize your blog

Change your blog into porn-speak with this link. Select language and URL. It will change the text each time you click on translate. I suggest scrolling down to my post about out cultural outing and checking out all the nicknames for Commander Cardy. German is pretty funny too. Hey, Commander, you speak German. What's a Kekserlwichser?

Monday, August 07, 2006


The NFL preseason kicked off this morning, the Hall Of Fame game. Oakland v Philadelphia, showing Monday at 6 30 pm at Fubar. Tonight is cheap Taiwan Gold Medal night.

Friday, August 04, 2006

The boy

figure i get one free one. Here is Trey Michael, also know as the Little White Dragon.
His dad is a big Bruce Lee fan, aka Li Shao Loong.


a bit delayed perhaps, but here are a couple pics of the hockey playoffs at FuBar.
I promise the Leafs will win the Cup this year. You heard it here first!

how's it going, eh?

i know i am late again. i've been BUSY!

here's a riddle for ya

what do you get when you cross crude oil at $73/barrel
and gasoline at 3 bucks plus a gallon?

record profits for the oil companies!

ha ha! pretty funny, eh?

Download this ringtone dammit

I have never had any use for my own cell phone and still don't. But that will not stop me from advocating yet more cell phone guano for you and your friends to gush about. Taiwaners, you know the song. Non-Taiwaners, you need a brief intro. In Taiwan, trash is collected and thrown into patrolling trash trucks. The trucks come at set times and herald their arrival with music. In this case this music sounds like an ice cream truck's music. The actual song is Beethoven's Fur Elise.

Now, you will please follow this link. Good. Now choose either Poly or Mono ( I don't know the difference but I'm sure the Borg in you knows). See the pop-up box? Choose your country, corporate enslaver and personal annoyance unit. Then for $30NT (not even a dollar) it will be yours. Or so I suspect, because I have never done it and never will. Let the Taiwan Trash Truck Song ring across the land. Call your friends constantly and condition them to jump up and scurry around looking for something to throw away. Non-Taiwaners, download it and live this exciting cultural phenomenon vicariously.

What a summer so far!

Wow would you look at that.
Taken from downtown Toronto before the Jays-Rangers game. A cop on a horse writing up that dude. We were having dinner across the street. It got kind of ugly too, as two bicycle officers were called in for back up. NOT KIDDING!

This summer has been a blast so far. We have traveled over 4000 km in Ontario and a trip to Vancouver. I still have a month left in which I'll be canoeing in Kilarney Park Ontario and salmon fishing on Vancouver Island.

I hope everybody is having a great time wherever they are.
The jays are starting to stink, which means that it's time to wind up the Eagles propaganda machine. McNabb is looking sharp, the team remains optimistic as do I!
Brown looking good as the number 1 receiver.....I just got Owens removed from my Eagles jersey. I can breathe again. Cowboys fans starting to worry about the hype.
I hope all is well. I will not be able to post again until I return in late August.

See you at SOHO!