Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Taichung city worker safety


Everyone knows what this machine is called. The guy driving the saw told me a tree fell on it. What key part of this electric bread knife is broken off? HINT: While driving it is important to your safety.

Tinnie Winnies


Something for the wee ones and their homework. New school dress code. Just Kidding. The students were actually having a DRESS rehearsal for school Drama. By the way I made a seperate blog to put pictures of students and better topics. The addresses is Why_would_I_tell_you@blogspot.R.U.C

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I really hate to post this

It shatters all kinds of positive imagery I have of Canada built up from photos of Kevlar's kin killin' and brandishin' animal parts at the lake.

One surprise in the figures is that Canada's emission record is far worse than even the United States, where the Bush administration has refused to ratify Kyoto.

Mr. Bramley said the United States is "actually ahead of Canada in just about every area" of environmental policies used to curb emissions. And he said the record of individual states "is far ahead of any province in Canada."
All I have to say is:

IT RUBS THE EMISSION CONTROLS UPON ITS SKIN, OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!

Deep Thoughts.....

I was around Pj's this afternoon. Handed in the football pick sheets. Told him I watched the Indy game at home this morning therefore I wouldn't be in to watch the game tonight. He informed me that I won this weeks pool. That's great, thanks. Then he said " you should still come around tonight though, you won, get face or whatever." Hmmm.... Did he mean save face? I wonder how many football pools I would have to win in order to win back the face lost at sports day? In fact, do I really need to worry about face if I'm down at Pj's?

Typical Texas Tech Fan

Watch the video.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Sunday Sports




Dave giving speeches. John resting. Dean knocking'em down and scoring a big goal Yay!. Good job everyone

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Free Prize


This is the prize. What is the contest? All five of the our blog readers are welcome to enter.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Gunning Fog Crossword






Across: 1. Binding agent in jellies


Down: 1. South African disinfectant

2. Letter not in Ernest Vincent Wright's lipogram

3. Favorite letter of communist countries

4. Anglophiles pronounce it "Ted."

5. What 90% of Jamaicans (and 99% of B.C.ers) are at any given time.

6. Where the Philadelphia Eagles are: ______ deep doo-doo

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Personal Ads F.A.Q.

Why are the women in the ads fairly good looking? Why don't you ever post ugly women?

As a rule, I only bust on the pretty people. As an ugly person myself, I don't find it humorous to make fun of someone's appearance unless they are reasonably hot. Then they're asking for it.

Why are the chicks so young? Is Red A actually Gary Glitter in real life?


Because when I filled in the form many years ago, I selected a reasonable age grouping. But Yahoo apparently thinks I never age and/or that I could still have any chance with these girls.

Isn't this sort of creepy and probably a violation of Yahoo's use agreement?

Yes. But is it Gary Glitter creepy? No.

How about Chaon level creepiness?

Yes, but in a healthy heterosexual way he could only dream of.

I wonder if the guys' ads are even worse?

Probably. We need a ringer to go in the system as a girl to evaluate the male ads in a sensitive yet critical manner. Let me know if you are interested and I'll buy you a butt load of heteracil if you can pull it off.

Thanksgiving Personal Ads

Girl No. 1 hi guys
She claims she is "Shy at first, but warm up quickly" but she lists the activities she's interested in as:

Whether it be sexual or going out for drinks and just hanging out. Im up for either.
'Warms up quickly' means sometimes you don't even have to get a drink in her or hang out at all apparently. "Well, officer, it all happened so fast."

Also, you have to be TALL and not shorter than her. That's very important to her. She's 5'4" so I guess Seth Green and a fair percentage of Hmong villagers are out of luck.

Girl No. 2 Sexy Single and Lonely
In her own words:
Also, I am sorry to say, but I am a shallow person. I like my man to be attractive. If you do not keep yourself in a good condition, shower daily, regular haircuts, no scruffy beard,clean clothing, then once again, dont bother.
Hmmmm, fair enough. But shouldn't she warn us that she likes raunchy Halloween costumes? Oh, and yeah, she will black out your face with photoshop if she doesn't like you. Be warned!

Girl No. 3 fun girl looking for a fun guy
Yet another girl that probably doesn't need a personal ad.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Rockin'



My efforts to build a New Brunswick rocket chair have not been so successful. It passes the sitting test. The rocking lacks that grandma chair smoothness. This chair fails to fool the childs knowledge of whether Dad is standing or sitting. I will have to look for the book of rocket rocker science,

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

DwAYNE sells X-box

Recently Dwayne sold one X-BOX to a man named Dug. Dwayne was over heard saying " Now that the pesky video game box has gone south, I have time to create a post." Well by the powers of grey skull, it worked on Pimp. Shit talk Shit talk shit talk I wish there was something more intelligent to say. Anywho I am going to place a link in the side bar ( just for shits and giggles). Aaron why didn't you tell us chalk lines can be used to stop ant invasions.

The bond

It's not everyday that you bond with about three hundred people at once. But, yes my friends. It has been done. It started off at about 8am Saturday morning. We all boarded the boat with bright smiles on our faces.....destination....Green Island. (Now before I get on with the story, I had been warned about this boat ride.)
Jamie and I got on the boat, and of course a window seat at the front of the boat was available. Great! Quickly, grab those two seats.
We did, the journey began........
With Taiwanese KTV music playing softly in the background. 20 minutes pass. It begins. Hwhaaaaallll! The boat erupts with laughter from my fellow passengers as an elderly woman lets the first roar of puke fly into the bag. I looked out the window to notice the waves were exceptionally large. 20-30 feet and the boat rolling up and down. My friend might not have been exaggerating at all. 5 more minutes pass. The sounds to follow were absolutely unbelievable. 10 seconds of Taiwanese music. Bwlaaahhhh! again.....bwlaahhhh! Arcgh! Splash! Hurl in the bag. Bwlaaahhhh! Cough! I'm not sure how to express the sounds of gurgling, puking and vomitting I heard, but I can tell you this continued until the end of the journey by most passengers on board. As time went on, the waft of Barf finally got to me. I looked at my darling girlfriend, pulled out my plastic bag and let it fly.
But on this memorable day, as I got off the boat, and looked my fellow passengers in the eye. I knew we had experienced something meaningful together, a common trait, a common bond. We were bonded by barf.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Canadian Pimp Deported

Pimp the local blogger extrodaire was last seen getting on the airport shuttle with Dug. He had muckclucks and a silk scarf in tow.I think he said " If the Eagles can't win, I isn't blogging and I is going ." Dug said "NOTHING".

Some souvenirs to bring home



This is the first of many wooden carvings I came across at a market in Taidong. This beautiful carving is about 4 ft tall. Amazingly next door, was an even bigger carving which was difficult to photograph due to size. If I could just figure out how to get it on the plane it would be a great surprise for Mom and Dad.

This second item was found in a jade shop. Ideal for gift giving holidays such as Christmas. What is it you ask? Well, it's a heart made of pure jade. This finely designed display case can be placed on your mantle over the fireplace, or better yet on your bedside table. Although lifesize, don't mistake this for a real heart. For decoration purposes only.

The latest I could find

for all the looking I did. From Nov 6th an article outlining the Danishers growingly cozy alliance with the GW agenda. And all for the sake of tiny, tiny Hans Island.

Virtual Bands

The marketing geniuses at EMI came up with a virtual rap band called Gorillaz.

Yeah, this is old news to most people since they've been around since 2001.

One obvious advantage of a virtual band is that the nerds that create them have no power and cannot make extravagant demands for, say, a bowl of M&Ms - green only.

Of course, that demand is not so hard to deliver anymore.

with video goodness (warning: incredibly SFW)

Sunday, November 20, 2005

H.O.S.P. II - It's all about the guano - Clipperton Island

Discovered by Magellan in 1521, the only atoll in the East Pacific was named for Spanish-employed English pirate and mutineer John Clipperton. Over the years, it has been held or claimed by the French, the U.S. (see Guano Islands Act), the Mexicans, the Brits and the King of Italy. In 1917, the lighthouse keeper found himself to be the last man on the island, declared himself King and went to work on raping the remaining women before he was killed. Currently a French possession, Clipperton has been mostly inhabited by birds and crabs since the end of WWII.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Friday's Personal Ad

I love music. I like to sleep. I dig scrawny pale guys. I dislike mind-numbing, soul-crushing small talk. Please don't talk it to me.
I think I'm in love...but I'll need a time machine to take me back when I was scrawny and pale instead of fat and pale, like some bespectacled slug with a beer in his tentacle. (Cthulun image?)

Side note to Chaon: I had to download Destination Eschaton for some reason. Stop getting me to like your pale, scrawny guy music.

DJ Marcus Aurelius, one of the only two fabled philosopher-button pushers, is scheduled to make an appearance this weekend somewhere in Taiwan - he hasn't been very forthcoming about exactly where, though. As if he cares. Come prepared for a wild night of caution and contemplation as he spreads the Logos of fellow sages such as Quinquaginta Cent and his I Smell Cunnus , To All My Nigrum and Futuo Dat Matris Prolapsis.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Scientific Poll

Why did the Eagles lose to the Cowboys?

A. Hubris

B. McNabb always throws an interception in the 4th quarter to allow a comeback win.

C. McNabb tempted Olympus with a shamless TD celebration dance. C'mon, he's not a receiver or a running back - QB's should be more reserved.

D. Because I was wearing my lucky boxers.

A Mad Lib

A ____________ parades in front of street children, some of whom are sniffing glue, in the drug-infested 'Barrio Triste' (Sad Neighborhood) in downtown Medellin in Colombia November 7, 2005. The event was organised to entertain the children by a member of a local charity that helps children in Barrio Triste by providing food, clothes and cleaning facilities. REUTERS/Albeiro Lopera
Fill in the blank with what you think would make sense. Then click to the photo.

(h/t www.qando.net )

BREAKING NEWS - must credit NiHowdy

J-hole has been outed by an anonymous tipster to NiHowdy. According to the source, J-hole's true name in John and his wife works for the CIA as a Chilli-Heat Analyst.

Fitzgerald to indict NiHowdy commenter 'Frenchie' who claims he heard about this from a comment on NiHowdy's blog.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Somewhere Sunday evening.


KTV truck
Originally uploaded by kevlar1.
pole dancing spider pole ok3 generous All the 58' kaliong and beer you could drink. ten course meal. NUDE as in Naked women (not shown here). She slide down a 3 metre pole to put out a fire. Free lap dances for everyone. Alcohol, food, naket women and rice paddies( and deafenig loud) Don't post she was too big. This took place in front of 200+ people for free.

Taipei road trip


tpe str
Originally uploaded by kevlar1.
With the family in toe i made it too the big city.tpe101b Kaia get wrinkled carrier butt. Following Aj's tip we hit Page One, an awesome bookstore.
beer Had some hotel time so we cracked a keg of beer. bere also took a boat ride in Dan shui. Nice variety of foods there. would like to go back next weekend.

Mash-Up: Old Songs & Recent Memories

So, I am sitting here looking for old tunes from "the day" (c) 2003 Karl. I remember that there was a song by Charlie Daniels that my subconcious has been hankerin' for ever since a recent encounter in Taichung's dirty town:

Yep. Me and Chaon we got ourselves a wild hair
And figured we wanted to go somewhere
So we loaded up in his battered-up Cefiro.
We had a little bit of money
And a whole lot of show
And with The Smiths blaring on the radio
We got us a pack of Davidoffs
And we was on our way

We figured we'd go down to Dirty Town
We were barrelling down old Wu Chuan Lu
When a man with a blinking red light
Was on our tail
He said you were doing 80 in a 60 zone
But I'm gonna let you go this time
But if I catch you again
I'm gonna slap you in the Taichung county jail

We said thank you sir you sure been nice
And you ain't gonna have to tell us twice
And we were Southbound and down with the wind
Blowing in our faces
We kept on rolling and pretty soon
The radio was cooking out a Marilyn Manson tune
And we were pulling into the strip
Checking out all them places

I was feeling dry and I said I think
We ought to stop and get ourselves a drink
And old Chaon said yeah 'cause we got time to kill
We kept on rolling and I seen this spot
And we pulled into the parking lot
Of this place called the Pig Pen Bar and Grill


We walked through the door
And the place was jammed
The lights were low they had a Bon Jovi cover band
And some orange haired feller singing about desperados
I said Chaon this ain't our kind of place
He said well let's just have one round anyway
So against my better judgement we walked on inside
Went up to the bar and we sat down
This feller walked up and said "ni hao"
And he sat down on the barstool next to Chaon

He looked like a guy but he talked like a weirdo
He had betel nut mouth and mascara in his eyes
And everybody in that place looked just about like him
I said Chaon, this ain't our kind of bar
Let's just go on out and get back in the car
'Cause there's gonna be trouble
Ain't no sense in taking a chance
We was getting up getting ready to leave
When somebody grabbed old Chaon by the sleeve
And this short stocky girl was asking my buddy to dance

I said Chaon, don't do it there's something missing
There's fellers dancing and fellers kissing
There's a feller in high heeled shoes wearing panty hose
He said partner I just can't turn this down
You just go over there and have one more round
And I'll dance with the lady
And we'll get on down the road

So he walked away and left me alone
But this funny looking feller kept coming on
And he was making me mad with some of the things he said
Then he put his hand on my knee
I said if you don't get your paw off me
I'm gonna locate your nose around
The other side of your head

He said I love it when you get that fire in your eye
I said well partner try this on for size
And I unloaded on him and he went out like a light
Everybody in that place must have been his friend
They all headed for me I said this is the end
But where I come from we don't give up
Without a fight

They were screaming and yelling and scratching and clawing
I was punching and hitting and kicking and pawing
I was holding my own 'cause I've been in a scrap or two
Old Chaon come running up out of the blue
And that gal he was with come running up too
And proceeded to beat on me with a high heel shoe

I grabbed her by the hair it came off in my hand
And that beautiful girl was just a beautiful man
And old Chaon just got sick right there on the floor

He dropped that dude like a shot from a gun
Smeared his lipstick made his makeup run
And me and old Chaon started fighting our way to the door

We lit out of there in that Cefiro
Chaon put in on the floor and it stayed that way
We were going down the highway
Doing about a hundred and ten
We were headed for home and we was getting nearer
Then a red light came on the rear view mirror
And that same blame cop was pulling us over again

Now I'm sitting here in this county jail
Chaon had to call Cynthia to get our bail
But I learned me a lesson
That I never will forget again
I've done give up drinking I've give up bars
And running around the country in souped up cars
I'm going back where the women are women
And the men are men

Uneasy Rider 88

Both this song and Uneasy Rider (without the 88 ) are excellent story songs from Charlie Daniels.

Football today at 4, Da Ye Jr. High.

H.O.S.P. I

When I first moved to Taichung Aaron and I would sit around drinking Yan Jing Beer- remember that one?- straight out of the can- a RED one at that. God we were cheap. Anyway, one afternoon we wanted to know what the tiniest, smallest, most inhospitable places on Earth were. So we did. (Hat's off to Kevlar for making language so simple) Well, we found a few before moving on to the next thing. Here's one of the first in our History Of Small Places series- Kerguelen Island, a lumpy, barren, windswept, glaciated and fjorded rock that eventually landed its' namesake in prison for stretching the truth as to the potential of his discovery.

Sunday Vegetable

This one is native to the hills of Afghanistan. The ancient Egyptians knew them to be purple. Caligula fed them to his senate in the hopes they would have an orgy. It didn't become it's most widely recognizable color until the 16th century, thanks to Dutch patriotism. Red A remembers.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

It's Been Thirty Years Since She Left Fully Loaded For Cleveland

I trust everybody busted out the Gordon Lightfoot in honor of the Edmund Fitzgerald. If not, get over to Ryan's house and enjoy some Kirin and give it a listen. Consider it your patriotic duty for the year...(and you Canadianers, remember, at that point in time you guys weren't so proud to be not-American)

Friday, November 11, 2005

Friday Personals Ad

Why does a chick this hot even remotely need a personal ad?

Shouldn't she be too busy eating at fine restaurants every night and fending of Lotharios at every turn?

Maybe it's the cat.

Very Embarrasing

I ran NiHowdy through a readability tester and here are the results:

Readability Results

The following table contains the readability results for http://www.nihowdy.blogspot.com.
Reading Level Results Summary Value
Total sentences 241
Total words 1784
Average words per Sentence 7.40
Words with 1 Syllable 1214
Words with 2 Syllables 382
Words with 3 Syllables 132
Words with 4 or more Syllables 56
Percentage of word with three or more syllables 10.54%
Average Syllables per Word 1.46
Gunning Fog Index 7.18
Flesch Reading Ease 76.12
Flesch-Kincaid Grade 4.48

Now for the analysis:

The bad news:

Our Gunning Fog Index score of 7.18 is better than TV Guide (6) but worse than Reader's Digest (8)

The good news:

Our Flesch-Kincaid Grade score means a 4th grade education is all you need to understand this site. This fits nicely with our demographics.

BTW: 5 of 7 NiHowdy contributers are English teachers.

Update: Here's the site where I ran the test and they explain what the tests mean. Sorry, Rye but there is some math so why not just sit back and crack a Kirin?

Japan is hosting the inaugural Asia Series Konami Cup. It is a baseball tournament for 4 Asian teams: Taiwan, Japan, Korea and Red China. All teams but the commies sent their respective league champions. The Reds were allowed to field an all-star team. That did not stop the Taiwan team, the Sinon Bulls, from Great Leaping past the Proles, 6-0. Today, the Bulls face the Japanese champion, CHIBA LOTTE MARINES. Meanwhile, when the China Stars face the Samsung Lions they will strive to Achieve the Four Bases in order to realize the maxim, It is good just to have one run.

TV times can be found at the first link. Taichung area viewers can watch VL Sports, cable channel 70 and/or 72 for games. A complete TV schedule can be found here.


Vote for Pedro. Pedro offers you his protection. Pedro also urges you to...

Note: Broken link fixed

Expat Estrangement Syndrome

If you've been in Taiwan for 10 plus years, sometimes you are so estranged from pop culture back home, you can't tell if something is real or not.

Apparently Oklahoma is Boring

That's why they let little girls fire fully automatic machine guns.

Though, the wifey fired machine guns and an RPG in Cambodia.

Wind chime mobile


Kaia and Dad
Originally uploaded by kevlar1.
Newly discovered hands, are reaching out to entertain and feed the mouth. Frog Kaia
No walking, or bouncing required.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

End of the World is Nearing!

Repent! Repent!

No, it's not my hangover talking.

Someone made a re-make of JUMANGI.

The only good thing is Robin Williams was not allowed anywhere near it.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Health Insurance in Canada

Illegal for humans, legal for dogs. This short film also shows more 'highlights' of the Canadian system.

Now, a quick question: is this a problem in Taiwan, too?

I do know that in Taiwan it is legal to pay for your own healthcare, obtain additional private insurance, and there are private healthcare providers. Does that help Taiwan avoid some of Canada's problems?

Disclaimer: Yes, I realize that the US system has problems as well. And that in Taiwan there are loads of quacks who will gladly take your cash and leave you with a permanently welded one-finger salute in place, destroying a promising bowling career.

Why I like Rumsfeld

(or at least his way of communication) a part of a interview with the influential German magazine SPIEGEL.

SPIEGEL: How concerned are you about Iran?
Rumsfeld: All of us have to be concerned when a country that important, large and wealthy is disconnected from the normal interactions with the rest of the world. They obviously have certain ambitions, powers and military capabilities ...
SPIEGEL: ...and nuclear ambitions...
Rumsfeld: That's apparently what France, Germany, the UK and the International Atomic Energy Agency have concluded. Everyone wants to have the Iranians as part of the world community, but they aren't yet. Therefore there's less predictability and more danger.
SPIEGEL: The US is trying to make the case in the United Nations Security Council.
Rumsfeld: I would not say that. I thought France, Germany and the UK were working on that problem.
SPIEGEL: What kind of sanctions are we talking about?
Rumsfeld: I'm not talking about sanctions. I thought you, and the U.K. and France were.
SPIEGEL: You aren't?
Rumsfeld: I'm not talking about sanctions. You've got the lead. Well, lead!
SPIEGEL: You mean the Europeans.
Rumsfeld: Sure. My Goodness, Iran is your neighbour. We don't have to do everything!
SPIEGEL: We are in the middle of regime change in Germany...
Rumsfeld: ... that's hardly the phrase I would have selected.

--h/t TigerHawk

Sunday, November 06, 2005

New toy


new toy
Originally uploaded by kevlar1.
I bought a new toy. P4 3.0 XP pro with a big video card to play 3D games. Yes that is the new Hanns-G 19 inch TFT screen that was released in TW Oct 31 for the grand price of 7950 NTD. The wife made a call and got an new ADSL box, for 100 Nts more a month she upgraded to 2MB connection. Could also get basic cable for 75nt per month( I don't have time to watch TV). Yipee!!

And Aaron's topic for the week:

Is the Taylor Grazing Act of 1934 still a workable piece of legislation? Should it be rewritten? If so, what new statutes and mandates should be included? Is it okay to subsidize ranchers in the name of continuance of culture and a way of life? Are the BLM and Congress tied too closely to ranchers at a cost to the taxpayers and the environment? Yes, these are the exciting questions of the week. I will have finished preparing my powerpoint on Land Exchanges by Monday, so hold off on your responses until I get that sorted. Any other contributors are welcome to e-mail me, with special bonus points awarded to Canadianer ideas (with links to Canadian legislation on public grazing).

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Cape + Facial Mask =



Behavioral Effeminism

Friday, November 04, 2005


Friday , once again, returns with my well earned free time. Texas Tech , number 15 in the BCS, takes on the Aggies of A&M. I can't watch or listen to it so I'll probably be GameCasting it - watching little colored bars march up and down a picture of a football field with a printout of the results. I'm hoping to make it to halftime. I will offer no predictions, we got pasted last time I did that. However, in the long standing tradition of making fun of Aggies, I will offer a joke:
How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.
Bravo! Encore! Why, thank you!
How do you keep an Aggie out of your yard? Put up goalposts.
Please, no more! You slay our collective wit! If you insist, but I do have more.
Big Gay Lance is back from Canada sporting a latex, black and white Canada jacket. Complementing this uselessness is his organization of the-day-we'd-rather-avoid, Sports Day. The date has once again been changed, this time to Nov. 27th. Again we will have to endure the gay-ly attired rugby team, the whiny soccer team and the uber-anal Frisbee Gruppe. Let me make this very clear - WE WANT RINGERS! Come on you Corning guys (or girls)! I'm sure there are at least several of yall who know something about rugby, soccer,Frisbeee oh well, football. Frenchie will gladly freight in all your adult beverage needs.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

What was I thinking?

I should have enlisted Aaron much earlier in my new scholastic career. You have done such a fine job, I will be presenting you with one topic per week for the next three weeks. Congratulations, you win friend of the month.

ni men xian zai bu yong qu kan dao na ge ROCKET GIRL ka che yin wei bu zai

Trend?

Ok here it is. I post about The Sudan and we get no responses. Aaron posts about Taiwanese politics, the same. Kevin posts beautiful pictures and zippo. Ryan posts about crazy bands and not a word of response. In the meantime, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy has already received four comments in the one hour since its original post time. I think every male reader (and thus every reader) is a homosexual in disguise (except me of course). John didn't send that hoopster to the other side with drunken stories from China; John sent her to the other side with leadership by example.

酷男的異想世界

It's been a long, long wait, but it's finally arrived in Taiwan.

I am posting the broadcast schedule as a public service announcement for Ponce a.k.a. Karl so he doesn't miss his favorite show. May I suggest you watch it Saturday morning to get your blood up for the A&A game? Or since your wife has grounded you from poker, perhaps Friday night would be best.

Travel & Living Channel, that's Channel 21 for most Taichung cable TV.

Wednesday: 星期三 23:00
Repeated重播:
Friday 星期五 21:00
Saturday 星期六 10:00, 18:00
Sunday 星期日 08:00, 11:00, 23:00

Oh, I am sure Ponce is so excited - look they even translated the stars' names into Chinese! I wonder if they will come to Taiwan and do a show here? Of course, a visit Ponce's house would be a boring episode, since they would not need to make any changes at all and they'd end up sitting around on his luxurious Ikea furniture drinking wine spritzers and chatting about how men who eat Bin Lang are sooooo grosssss! Why don't they use teeth whitening strips like the kind they showed that hick in Texas how to use last episode? They only take 30 minutes twice a day and you can wear them while you shave, shower, moisturize, etc. [Editor: Must admit wifey thought that was a very interesting product.]

Oh, and Ponce don't worry - all the guys are slender and won't break your precious faux cow hide benches. They might re-arrange your X-box games by color scheme though.

Translation:
酷男的異想世界 = Cool Men's World = Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

On-Line Personal Ad Review

My Yahoo account which I check every 2 months or so includes personal ads Yahoo has decided are right for me. Now, most of you will expect me to bag on some chick's personal ad, but overall, I think this girl's pretty honest:

My pet peeves are: game-playing, macho acting, cocky attitude, laziness, arrogant acting, cheap, flackiness and being boring.

A nice solid list that will keep most Frenchmen and certainly Karl away. I guess any German AAA gunners would be shot down as well....

I am looking for someone who is an honest and reliable family man, kind, sweet,funny, not high-strung,intelligent and ambitious. Good morals and values.

Seems reasonable. I am out of luck though since I am high strung (but low hung.)

My hobbies: I love to shop,wine taste, visit art galleries and do anything involving arts and science, I hate doing anything that involves sweating (except activities in the bedroom). I am not a physical active type person but, I am not lazy either.

Bonus points for interest in wine tasting, science, and willing to sweat in the bedroom.

I think couples should spend time doing seperate activities and have a life seperate from their mate. Your mate should enhance your life, not be it.

Seriously, how long will this last once she figures out my separate activities all involve beer, g-strings, and 20 dollar bills? Oh, she means activities she THINKS I'm doing!

I am looking for someone who can connects with me emotinally and feeds my brain as well as my heart.

(I think by now it's also implied that said prospective life-mate must be willing to accept spelling errors.)


I love the Sac Kings and watching basket ball.

Hey, what a coincidence, I am King of the Sac!

I like the finer things in life. I can be a bit high-maintanance, like nails and hair..but, I'm a woman what do you expect...but, I don't make it priority and it doesn't get in the way cause I am also very grounded and down to earth.

Triple bonus points for honesty, until she makes the bald-faced lie that it won't be a priority. The good news is she will probably take of herself and not become overweight with wild-ass hair and a scraggly neck beard. (Wait, that's me.)

Lastly, my stats: I am 28, never married, no kids, 5'10" blond, brown eyes. I would say average weight. I am curvy...not thin. I have a big butt...like J. Lo. but, I don't want to thick so, I say volumptious...which might be misunderstood. You will just have to meet me in person. My carrer is very important to me. I am an interior designer and I work alot...but, make my own schedule.

More honesty. Volumptious - sounds likes a made up word to describe a pastry.

I am looking for serious inquries only. I am looking for long term committment. Also, no pot-smokers please.

LAST LINE CINCHES IT FOR ME. SHE'S A KEEPER.

Beyond the spelling errors and the obviously wine induced rambling this is a damn good personal ad. She's mentioned her likes, her dislikes, her lifestyle, and came across as honest. 4 out 5 stars.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Bring Out Your Dead!

Football, Sunday, 3 pm, at the school field.
Super Lance Sports Day is coming December 3rd. Have to start training,
finishing last ain't easy.

Border Crossing, North American Style

I live near a Canadian border. I have probably crossed this particular border 30 times in my life, and never had to stay more than five minutes with the formalities. However, now I am a long-haired hippie type, which leads to this exchange with a Canadianer Immigration 'official.'

Can: Why are you coming to Canada?
Me: To go hiking in Waterton
Can: Why do you want to do that?
Me: Because it's beautiful (dumbass thought, not voiced)
Can: Have you ever been to Canada?
Me: Yes many times.
Can: When was the last time?
Me: Two years ago.
Ever been convicted of a felony?
Me: No.
Ever been to our immigration office?
Me: No.
I think you better check them out. Park your car, go upstairs, second door on the right.
Me: Yes sir.

I then proceeded to park my car and go upstairs. Upon my arrival, the immigration official tells me to sit on the bench (not the group W one, just an ordinary one). I tell him I have been sitting for three hours and don't really care to sit, I can stand in wait of my fate.

Official: Son, you do what I tell you to do.
Me: Sir, really my legs are tired of sitting, I need to stand (major asshole thought, not voiced)
Official: Have it your way.

One HOUR later:
Official: Next (nobody has been in here the whole time I have been waiting -only might have been a more appropriate word)
Official: You ever been convicted of a felony?
Me: No sir (no sweat lodges in my background)
Official: Ever been to court?
Me: Once for running a red light and not paying my fine on time.
When was that?
Me: About fifteen years ago I guess.
Ever been fingerprinted?
Me: No sir.
Ever been to jail?
Me: No sir.
Ever smoked marijuana?
Me: (agape) Excuse me?
You heard me boy, you do drugs?
Me: No sir.
You have any on you?
Me: No sir.
Let me see your wallet.

I proceeded to give him my wallet. As he searched through it, I asked what he was looking for and he said LSD. Talk about crazy, after he finally gave me the long 'I know you are up to something but I can't prove it so I guess I will have to go against my better judgement and let you into our fine country' look, he stamped my paper and told me to go to customs, where they proceeded to inspect my car (standard operating procedure these days). Two hours to cross into Canadia. not quite my records of four days into Niger and three days in the Sudan, but a little on the ridiculous side. I would report on my beautiful hiking in Waterton (because it was), but Kevlar has already made people jealous enough with photos from home. The Americans let me pass through without so much as a nod on my way back.