Miss Bikini World

Last night D-Wayne, the Commander, Angie (for a bit) and myself watched the 2006 Miss Bikini World pageant at FuBar. I was starting out already disappointed because the contest was originally slated to be held at a Buddhist monastery in Puli, near Taichung, but was then moved to the National University Gym in Taibei. Didn't get much better. Sorta like going to the Ponderosa buffet and seeing taco fixings and then discovering they throw in cans of corn into the taco meat. Anyway, it went sorta like this.

The opening number was some sort of traditional Chinese (I guess) dance that I'd never seen before. At the end of their number, the dancers raised a sheet and dropped it to reveal a group of Tai Ke hip-hop dancers busting down the catwalk. They were led by some tallish, overweight kid who was either wearing a wig or stole Macy Gray's hair - and he was sporting a rainbow Astro's jersey. They segued from traditional gong and clanging music to a hip-hopped version of the theme from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. How, or more importantly, why that was done I have no idea. I am now certain that I will punch the next guy who tells me that his profession is DJ.

The 40 contestants then entered wearing traditional garb, though I didn't know traditional Czech clothing came from KOA. Outside of Miss Trailer Park Europe, the only other notable was Miss Mexico who wore something on her head that resembled in size and appearance the spread tailfeathers of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade turkey. The crowd, of which I saw no one under 60, all looked like Taiwan's ex-mainland lawmakers puzzled as to how so many barbarians could be allowed to enter the country not wearing handcuffs. All of this was accompanied by the Commander's and D-Wayne's complaining about the female Taiwanese host's English. Yeah, she did manage to make festival sound like basketball but she was much more whiney and annoying in her native tongue.

Part two is beginning as D-Wayne is finishing his handicapping of the first round. And we get...evening gowns! Everyone is disappointed, though not for the same reason. D-Wayne and myself for the obvious, the Commander because so many of the contestants didn't know that "only black" is appropriate for evening gowns. The one who truly lived up to the spirit of this pageant was either Miss Russia or Poland, who wore a sort of bikini gown. It had a small top and a little strap connecting the bottom with a slit up to the proverbial here. No one knows what Miss South Africa was wearing because we were all staring at her facial expression which I can only describe as a high sneer with a full dental (high degree of difficulty, though).

Finally, the bikinis! At this point the male host has pretty much taken over the English responsibilities and does and good job with pronunciation and phrasing - Here come contestants 21-40 and their bikinis! Miss Malta has been a steady performer and by now is number 1 on everyone's card. Miss Czech Republic amazes me and manages to make a college boy's week-old underwear look nicer than a bikini. I'm noticing a distinct lack of boobal matter among the ladies. This is especially true of Miss Taiwan who seems to be filling her cups with her shoulderblades. Ah, here comes Miss Australia paying tribute to the Aussie cattle industry. Miss South Africa scares again. Misses Malta, Spain, Venezuela, Tanzania, Russia, Poland and Hungary keep us tuned in.
The award ceremony starts with 10 awards with titles like Miss Platinum and Miss Internet, but sadly, no Miss Most Wanted. Somehow - oh yeah, we're in Taiwan- Miss Taiwan gets 4th Runner-up. It's here that my wife calls and I tell her I only need 10 more minutes to finish watching the Miss Bikini World pageant. The phone goes dead and then she immediately calls back telling me to withdraw this month's salary and give it to her now. The show continues and none of us picked the winner. Hell, Miss Malta didn't even show. Hungary got it and we got out of there (and I went straight to the ATM).