Saturday, June 28, 2008

Triple plays, Snowstorms, Hickies, and Jailbirds

The Missoula Osprey (A ball, Arizona Diamondbacks) decided this year they would have a new promotion. $10,000 dollars would go to a lucky fan if certain rarities occurred during the correct inning (hitting the foul pole with a homer, back to back to back homers, 4 stolen bases in an inning, etc.)

On the first night of the promotion, during the first inning, they announced one lucky fan would win the money if a triple play was turned. The visiting Billings Mustangs promptly loaded the bases. The crowd began to rumble. The rumbling finished when a long fly ball to left was hit by the cleanup man. Our groans were turned to laughter when, in true Taiwanese baseball fashion, the left fielder dropped the ball. However, the Osprey are quick on their feet. The left fielder fired the dropped ball to third base to get the force out. The thirdbaseman, realizing the runner from first had taken a wide turn around second, fired it to the secondbaseman and caught the offender in a pickle. Eventually the thirdbaseman would apply the tag. In the meantime, the cleanup batter, sensing trouble on the base paths, tried to sneak into second behind the play. The alert shortstop went to cover the bag, the thirdbaseman gunned it over and the tag was applied. For those keeping score, the play would read: 7-5-4-5-6 (with a run scoring on the play and no error on the left fielder). For one lucky fan, he would be counting $10000. Three nights later, against the Helena Brewers, the Osprey would turn a more conventional triple play (5-4-3), but it would not net anybody a paycheck. Dating back to last October, that's three triple plays turned by the Osprey, a bizzare statistical anomaly.

The snow finally seems to have finished for the season, our last dusting coming on June 14th. I ultimately received four inches at my house that week. Thank god spring is here. Spring means many things here in Montana, not the least of which is that girls start dressing in less (or more depending on your point of view) appropriate attire.

Now this lack of clothing makes men's loins stir to be sure. Fortunately the women get frisky, too. I recently hooked up with a young lass who left a hicky on the back of my neck. I haven't had a hicky in aeons, but there it is, all bright and red. Of course that means I have to lay low for a couple of days, but it's kind of nice to know women are still willing to leave their mark on unsuspecting males.

In other news from this side of the ocean, the Houston Astros have recently released pitcher Shawn Chacon after he choked the general manager, Ed Wade. Shacon said he told Wade he didn't want to go to the office, but Wade just wouldn't listen. Meanwhile, the Astros still can't score runs, prevent other teams from scoring runs , or basically do anything right on the baseball field.

In a related story, I have begun a boycot of the state of texas. On a recent 36 hour visit to the lone star state, I was arrested. I got to spend 14 hours in lockup, listen to a night court judge laugh when I told him I why I was in jail, and hang out with various other vile offenders of the law (the old black man next to me had written a bad check in 1993 for $37). Unlike him, I was not in on a warrant (nor for building a sweat lodge), I was in for running a stop sign on my way to get ice for my sister-in-law's surprise party. When the officer informed me he was writing me a ticket for no insurance as well running the stop sign (although I had the insurance in my hand), I questioned why he was doing that. When he chose not to answer that, and instead repeated that he was writing me a ticket for no insurance and failure to stop at a stop sign, I again showed him my insurance. I was told to step out of the car. When i asked him if he was going to arrest me, he asked me if I wanted him to. I said no, I just want you to not write me a ticket for no insurance when I have it in my hands. He told me to step out of the car. I unlocked the door, he pulled it open, jerked me out and put me in the back of his car. When I was finally processed, I discovered I had been charged with failure to stop at a stop sign. The no insurance claim was no where to be found. Needless to say, a complaint has been filed against the arresting officer.

texas has said, and the Supreme Court has agreed, the police can arrest you for any offense of the law because an officer 'cannot be expected to know what is a jailable and what is a non jailable offense.' In Montana, however, an officer has to have a reasonable belief that the offense is jailable. I'm sticking with the Montana rule on this one. And a one year boycot of texas is now in effect. It would be permanent except for the family ties and Continental/American connections out of houston and dallas.


Anonymous said...

When the Texan officer pulled you over, what color jumpsuit were you wearing?
Your attire refelected your criminal nature. The arresting officier was protecting the public.
Comments about the Astros doing poorly, seemed like a good reason for the cop to lock you up.

Bet you got some kinda too queer to steer in Texas accent.

Good luck with the boycott.

No but seriously, was anyone at the surprise party surprised when you left for a bag of ice and got arrested?

Anonymous said...

A hicky on the BACK of the neck ?? You sure you were with a woman??
I enjoyed the getting arrested story also !!

Karl said...

That's not a hicky. That's a bruise from the constant pressure from an Adam's Apple.

Bread said...

tsk tsk.

J-hole said...

Could you lend you keys to Maria Elena Holly and provide a route map of your trip?