Thursday, June 21, 2007

Vince Dandy to the Rescue

After resetting my internal jet-lag clock back to lag on Monday, I stayed up late watching the late shows and news. I was rewarded with one of the first airings of Hillary Clinton's latest campaign commercial shown on MSNBC. What issue did this person vying to become president of the United States choose to address? Her campaign theme song.

What? Or more correctly, why? Why a video? Why is it being shown as news on MSNBC? Incontinence is an issue to some, but not "everybody in America" is awaiting the latest advances in silent-release velcro or nanosponges. If the public got to choose her campaign theme accent(s), then maybe I would bite. But even then we wouldn't need a video to announce the results. This isn't jumping the shark, it's jumping a man-eating, blue whale-filled Snake River Canyon in a rocket powered Prius.

I am not against spectacle and showmanship in politics but if you are going to make that your priority at the expense of your message then you need to fully commit yourself. You need help from the experts. You need the WWE. Her cutesy videos and the Dems junior-high-school-student- council-level debates make Greg and Marcia look like political geniuses.

Give everyone a theme song and a sidekick and/or a manager. Have Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler body slam Chris Matthews and Brian Williams and take over the moderating duties. Have debate questions thrown out to the entire panel and let the candidates' theme music act as a buzzer to answer. Da du dun. Da du dun. Lunatic Fringe. Yes, Dennis Kucinich!

Foreign objects, while technically illegal, would be encouraged. I don't believe it! Biden and Gravel are pelting Obama with lit Marlboros!

Surprise visits would be mandatory. Richardson has once again pulled out his baseball bat in response to Edwards' challenging of his facts. And...what's this music? That's...Jim Dandy! Oh, my God! That's Fred Thompson's music. What's he doing here? He's not allowed here. And, oh no! He's carrying a two-by-four!

Think about it. Vince McMahon was conveniently "blown up" last week, supposedly dead. Look for him to resurface in the near future as the new media relations manager for the Democratic Party.

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