Sunday, January 03, 2010

Sports Maladies

Way back in Week 2 of the NFL, D-Wayne, Red A and I were watching the Eagles and the Saints. Red A brought up the mandatory comment about McNabb's "sports" hernia. That got us to thinking up more "sports" injuries and maladies. As we were starting, I heard a comment from Dick Stockton - still alive, still broadcasting, still messin' things up - that leads to our first malady.

The Saints, who have never trailed in this game, are now ahead for the first time.
Way to go Di-ick, Way to go! Years ago when Frenchie was still in Taiwan we were at PJ's watching an NBA game that wasn't very exciting. So we did what any normal male would do, we created a drinking game. And, lo, it was called, Uh, Dick. The goal was simple: outlast your drinking opponent. We had to swig for every Uh that Dick uhhed and we had to chug our entire beer anytime he mentioned a story. Every aspect of basketball for Dick had to be framed within a story: the time out story; the jump ball story; the rebounding story; the officiating story. We started midway through the first quarter and by mutual agreement, called it a draw at halftime and quit. Congratulations Dick Stockton, creator of the sports hangover!
Here's a list of several other sports maladies from Red A and me. D-Wayne says we always do this and refused to participate, though he did offer one good one but I forgot what it was. Durn that sports amnesia.
  • Sports gout
  • Sports scurvy
  • Sports aphasia - Risk group: Dick Stockton
  • Sports male pattern baldness - Risk group: those with MPB who are in denial and blame it on constant hat/helmet wearing - Cause - male pattern baldness
  • Sports cirrhosis - Risk group: Rams fans - Cause: the Rams
  • Sports headache - Risk group: wives of male sports fans - Cause: male sports fans
  • Sports Tourette's Syndrome - Risk group: CPBL (Taiwanese baseball league) and SBL (Taiwanese basketball league - the S is for Super!) fans - Cause: the CPBL and SBL
  • Sports laryngitis - Risk group: usually a complication from sports tourette's syndrome - Cause: same as above
  • The sports vapors - Risk group: Soccer players- "Oh, my heavens! I do believe that you brushed my personal space inappropriately and therefore shall have to wave my frail limbs dramatically and tumble, yes tumble, to the ground!" - Cause: soccer, of course
  • Sports dysentery - What I wish upon those fans and or athletes who eat chili with beans, a marinated T-bone or "baby" back ribs thinking they are barbecued, while watching a sporting event.
  • Sports catatonia - Risk group: Tech fans and recruits - Cause: God knows
  • Sports hemorrhoids - Risk group: Adam James if Mike Leach continued to be his college football career at Tech - Cause: a small dark room?
  • Sports leprosy - This was by far my favorite and Red A came up with it. I had to modify it a little to...
  • Sports leper - Risk group:This one has been changed. At first I had Adam James at risk, then after hearing others speak, especially the players, I put Leach at risk. Then I thought about it and wondered if a sports star is ever truly a leper. There are some works in progress - Tiger - but many have been in as bad or worse situations and come back. Nominations?

1 comment:

Esquire Willy said...

Nice to have u back....