Last week columnist Gail Collins came up with a novel way to select an appropriate presidential candidate. Choose the person you would try to avoid standing next to in a long line at a supermarket. Great idea. That would be all of them except for Fred, and he's not even in it anymore. No, better would to see how each would handle the issue of long supermarket lines.

The Republicans

• McCain - Would propose some sort of multi-elongation bill mandating that supermarkets must have lines of varying length, including establishing and enforcing lines that reach out the door.
• Romney - Would promise to use his private sector skills to ensure that everyone had a checkout line for themselves. Like maybe some newfangled gadget that let's the customer do his own checking-out. Yeah that's it!
• Giuliani - Would require proof of fiscal responsibility and capability. Those that cannot will be expelled from the store and not allowed back in. Strict enforcement of the 10 Items or Less lane. Offenders will be expelled from the store and not allowed back in. Provide choice and quality access to other supermarkets, such as Wal-Mart with their automated self-checkout lanes.
• Huckabee - I have no idea and don't know how anyone could.
• Fred - Wouldn't do a thing. People don't like it, they will complain until the manager does something about it or go elsewhere

The Democrats

• Obama - Would implement policies, increase research, develop innovative approaches, reach out to both the patient and impatient and disburse $100 vouchers good at any supermarket. Failing that, he will ask you to bring real - and exact - change to the checkout line.
• Hillary - Would implement her comprehensive plan ( the only candidate with one ) to ensure that long lines never occur again. That, and $50 dollars more than whatever Obama promises.
• Edwards - All customers from Evil-Bad-Rich America ( $75,000 + ) would automatically line up at the back of the line and donate $500 to one customer in the line ahead of them from the Good-True-Not Rich America. It might not solve the line problem, but after a few years there would be true equality, with only a One-Long line America.